truth wears pants.

So I was listening to music today, oh unknowable universe. I finally have found, not only previews, but a full listening party of the new Damien Rice CD. The album is great. Although much different than his previous record, it is still stock full of emotion and even more so than the first. This is the springboard for which I am about to write. The album literally hits you in the face with emotion. This is no sappy singer/songwriter she doesn't love me stuff, this is the heart laid bare at its deepest despair, while finding ways to show itself in the heights of joy. The thing that draws me, and probably most fans of Damien Rice, in is this transparency that gives you a glimpse into his inner most feelings without reservation. This is art at it's most raw; expressing what can't always be expressed onto words alone. The part that saddens me is that there is, from where I stand, no one to express such inner workings from a Christian standpoint. All too often I hear Christian music that is coated with a bit of sugar, or in many cases a lot. There is this feigned heart that presents itself, because if the real heart was exposed many of us would be shunned, or persecuted, or at least given a pointed finger in the face and a good lecture. We are so scared of everyone discovering our depravity that we push it down, and instead, find an easier way to express ourselves. It is not easy, but if we were to drop our charade would more people be open to Christianity? We show little grace these days because we are ashamed at how much has truly been given to us. We are different than the world, but that does not take away our humanity. The world has grown weary of Christians who smile through fake teeth, while telling them they are wrong. Alright, I will stop and go back before I end up on a completely different subject. Art...right.
Christianity as a whole seems to paint itself as a Stepford wife. Everything always peachy and such. The truth is far from it. We all have moments where things are less than ok; where the grace of God must swoop in and save us from ourselves. The problem is that we never let anyone know and present ourselves superior because that is what is expected from a good Christian. We are left presenting ourselves shallow and unknown. How will the world know the full grace of God unless we show it's most prized work: our very own hearts.
I hope this was not too confusing. I typed and deleted a lot. I tried to stay focused, but my mind leads me to other issues for another day.

I was driving home late the other night from Pittsburgh. It was late and the drive was long. I was left to think about many things, and my mind settled on church. I have been having discussion about church for some time and I am getting tired of it to be honest. As I thought about it, I had this strange feeling that seemed to come from in my bones. I really felt as though my bones were rattling with sadness and anger that I could not place. The strangeness was compounded by the fact that I felt that I needed to expel my emotions or suffer from broken bones. A strange thought occured to me. I was upset about church, universally, and the problems that we all seem to have, but my anger seemed to be rooted somewhere deeper than my own emotions. This is the strange thought I had: what if Christ felt this way about the money changers in the temple. What if there was this bone rattling feeling deep in Him that required the action that he took. He either turned the tables and righted the wrong, or suffer from broken bones from the feeling within. Maybe not a theologically sound argument, maybe just crazy surfacing for air, maybe true statements that I can't explain. What if there is a problem in our churches that goes so deep that there needs to be a radical change that will shake the misguided foundations of our institutionalized religion. Maybe there needs to be a pew turning party. I bet we can beat some deacons with whips and throw some pews around and all will be well. Just kidding. Don't take this all to heart. I'm just fuming.

So, what do you say when someone angers you to the point of near explosion? The other day, I was minding my own business driving my car. The lane in front of me was ending and I thought to myself, " It would be a good idea to merge so i don't die." Apparently the old man beside me thought it would be better that I die. I made the decision to get in front of the man (who was driving incredibly slowly). I sped up, and he did the same. Now I have not tested the limits of my new car's speed yet and was nervous that I should slow down and accept defeat. This is not the way of a driver from Pennsylvania. To be vanquished by an old Ohio driver a.k.a. moron would be, to say the least, humiliating. As the needle on my speedometer and tachometer climbed, my pulse raced and sweat began to pour. The speed limit was already smashed to pieces and we were nearing it's double. At last as the road began to merge, my rear bumper passed his front and victory was mine. This was truly a race and when it was over I was left saying to myself, "what?"At this point I was prepared to let it go. The old man seemed happy to as well until I looked into my review mirror and saw him again. He was traveling unbelievably under the speed limit and had a line of cars building up behind him. Needless to say I was mad... I probably was not so much mad at old guy, as much as I was mad at living in stupid Ohio with motorists who, like old guy, are pretty much the biggest morons I have ever encountered. I forgave the guy. I'm not bitter. I swear.

Today on my way to work I was listening to John Mayer. It is a gloriously dreary day. I love these days. They remind me of the eighties for some reason. I get this nostalgia that throws me into a deep need to watch Star Wars. That's not the point. The point is I was driving my same old drive and something about the sadness of the song and the sadness of the day made me feel so alive. This seems like a contradiction but it's true...in fact the sadness together were so beautiful that I was actually happy. But alas, my heart was wrenched back to my reality when I shut the car off and the beautiful song was cut off all to harshly.
A similar thing happened to me about six months ago. I was listening to a song by Herbie Hancock and Damien Rice (An odd but brilliant Pairing) The song is called Don't Explain. Strangely the song is about cheating on your loved one and them forgiving the other person. That also is not the point. The song is incredibly sad sounding and extremely moody. I was sitting in my office and I let the song repeat several times and just sat. I almost saw the room turn sepia and my keyboard turn into a typewriter. I was caught in the twenties and felt that reality pierce my very being.
These moments give me an insight into what heaven must be like. When your soul takes charge and becomes aware of everything. Sadness turns to beauty and then to joy.
Maybe it is music that triggers these in my mind. Maybe that's why I write songs. Maybe it is something else for you. Either way, these moments are better than this life, and they make me yearn for what lay ahead in the next.

So I was listening again to David Crowder Band: A Collision. I have listened hundreds of times before, but this time with a new knowledge. You see, after reading his new book and some interviews he has given, it is clear that the album in it's entirety is about death. With this realization, the album takes on a whole new light. The genius that I thought the album was before is actually ten fold and it is breathtaking. Every last lyric is placed with a purpose, and the words come out and speak as if someone was staring you in the face with tear filled eyes and bearing their soul. What's more, it does not stop at lyrical brilliance. The music, which is superb and mind blowing in it's subtleness and intensity at once, is also masterfully crafted to give weight to the words. The music fills in what spoken language cannot communicate. The result is a truly heart wrenching and uplifting experience. On a third tier, there is the fact that the album without the two previous things is astonishing as a whole. Each individual song is great, to be sure, but when put together it is one of the finest pieces of artwork I have experienced. Like a movie in soundwaves, I could sit and picture the music as a cinescope and get lost for hours. Put together in four parts it takes the listener on an experience of emotions, and when finished, there is nothing more that could possibly have been added to improve upon such a brilliant experience. The crazy thing is this third tier, as I have chosen to call it, is actually just the music without any deep reflection upon what is actually trying to be communicated. If you know me...I would talk your ear off and not stop about this. So do yourself a favor go pick it up and listen or face me talking about it over and over (sinister laugh)......

So this is what it feels like to post a blog. My thoughts. My life. On-line. But enough about me, lets talk about you. Right. Can't do that in a blog. So I will just continue. I have created this blog to inform the world, particularly those in the world whom I am fond of, just what goes on in my life in the day-to-day. I also have been intrigued by the thoughts that have been expressed and the discussions had in other blogular areas. I am anxious to let those who would appose me know that they are in fact inferior beings upon whose face I shall stomp in repeated succession. Metaphorically speaking.

But I digress.

A couple of new things to share. I bought a new car. An extremely sweet car whose awesomeness has no words yet created that could appropriately describe its glorious splendor. It is a Toyota Yaris. Mmmmmmmmmmmm Yaris. The best riding car I have ever owned.

Well that is really the only thing but it is so awesome (See previous paragraph for full description) that it actually deserved 2 new things instead of just one. I hate typing...I really do. With that in mind I must bid you farewell...for now.

-Ryan