the worst invention ever masquerading as the greatest... Thursday, July 09, 2009 |
Here in the booming metropolis of Canton, Ohio we have very few things going for us as a city. Among those select few pluses is our movie theaters. We have a massive multiplex that was built not long after a smaller theater, owned by the same company was built. To put this in perspective the smaller theater has ten screens, which is hardly minuscule. The smaller of the two theaters is now the greatest dollar theater I have ever been in. One of the main features of said dollar theater is the "do-it-yourself popcorn butter dispenser." Now two things just happened. 1. You just double checked to make sure that you read that correctly, and rest assured you did. 2. Your heart leapt for joy at the sheer greatness of such a device. Ladies and gentlemen I am here to tell you that this is not the correct human reaction. This invention is the devil in disguise, albeit a delicious, greasy buttery disguise. I have yet to use this contraption with success. The old adage "too much of a good thing" would not be an inappropriate slogan for this contraption. The first time I used it, I put so much butter on my popcorn that it turned the bottom of the bag into the consistancy of wet toilet paper, I got butter all over my jeans and ruined them, I gained 14 lbs. and got a stomach ache. You would think that an experience thus, would prevent such mishaps in the future, but the power of the Lard compels you. The second time I used it proved only slightly better and I have yet to use the do-it-yourself butter dispenser without disastrous results. And so I am here to warn you all of the coming doom if you encounter a do-it-yourself butter dispenser. It will ruin you.
In other news I am accepted to and going to begin graduate school. Hopefully within two years I will have a Masters of Arts in Biblical Interpretation....woohoo.
And since it has been so long since my last post, I must comment on how melt-your-face awesome Pittsburgh is for being the home of not only the Super Bowl Champion Steelers, but also the Stanley Cup Champion Penguins.
And lastly, I am not always enthusiastic for fall, but I do believe that this years fall time cannot come soon enough for the great music releases that will be taking place over the months of September and October. I am stoked. Some of my favorite artists seem to be on release schedules that gorge some years in great music and leave others in a wasteland of mediocrity.
The End.